 | |  |  | Clive Owen News & Gossip
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| | Hot Guy Friday: All I Want For Christmas Is Dong | | Added 13 years ago | Source: CeleBitchy |
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FROM THE DESK OF Clive Owen:
Hello, darlings. I?m tired of being ignored by you dirty, dirty bitches. You need a good spanking. Of course, I?ll give you a moment. Your tits look great today, by the way. Need another moment? I?ll wait? by the way, I love your shoes, too. Why don?t you tell me about them? Anyway, like I was saying, I?ve been ignored or pushed to the side or relegated to ?Hot Dong Dessert? like a smoldering afterthought for too long. What does David Sodding Gandy have that I don?t? Let me tell you something? Alexander Skarsgard would rather spend time with The Bos than melting your drawers. And don?t even get me started on that Gerard Butler bloke. He smells like wet dog and cheese. Why would you waste your time on these men who never think of you, who never stop what they are doing to drop you a line? So that?s why I have named myself the ?headlining? Hot Guy of this, the high holy day of hotness, Friday. I?m doing it for you, my lady loves. Because I care. And because I?ve got a new pair of handcuffs, and I need to check the size. On you.
I?ve selected a few tasty little Clive morsels for you to suck on (just give them a little tug? gently!) this Friday. I hope you enjoy them. I know I will enjoy thinking about your face while you look at me?
Okay, this is Kaiser! I’m taking over from Clive. Wow, we should really hire him as a guest editor, RIGHT? Well, I have to tell you something horrible - our HGF will be short but sweet. Christmas is coming up, and the best gift you could give me (besides Hamm Dong) is the knowledge that you will not be devastated by a less than extravagant Dong Buffet. That being said, CB and I are trying to honor requests and still bring The Hotness, as we do every week. I’m just saying, please don’t yell at me!
Okay, now, I usually put David Gandy (or David “Sodding” Gandy as Clive would say) at the end of the post, as our collective Hot Dong Dessert. But this week was rough, and we’ve got some not-so-great requests coming up, so I feel like Gandy needs to be part of our appetizer, right? We need more Gandy in our lives. Must. Have. GANDY DONG.
Okay, I almost made Paul Bettany the headliner Hot Guy this week, because His Royal Corpsey Hotness is my latest obsession. I know it?s the week for everyone to bash The Tourist, but seeing Paul Bettany in it was worth the money. So I looked up some older photos of him? and I?m in love. Like, serious obsession-love. Sigh? corpsey ginger hotness.
All I want for Christmas is Hamm Dong. Seriously. Wrap it up and put it under the tree.
I don?t get the Charlie Hunnam thing, but we get so many requests for him. I hope this soothes the Hunnam-heads, because I just can?t with him. He reminds me of that meathead Sam Worthington - all goony faces and thick necks. Ugh. But, you know, I love Gerard Butler, so what do I know?
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| | From the desk of Clive Owen: 'From Paris With Lust' | | Added 13 years ago | Source: CeleBitchy |
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FROM THE DESK OF Clive Owen:
Hello, darlings. Did you think I would leave this party without dropping you a line? I know how you like to hear from me. I know how you like to hear my posh, can?t-be-bothered growl. I know how you wish you were hearing it right before I tie you to the bed. Do you need a moment? I?ll wait.
I?m in Paris, for an event for Bulgari. Julianne Moore was here too - she looks like hell. She?s in dire need of a good ?Cliving? you know? I know, I know, she has a young partner and she?s a happy mom and everything. But I swear I saw drool coming out of her mouth when she saw me. The drool dripped onto this hideous outfit she was wearing:
Still, wonderful actress, and a friend. That?s why you love me - because I have age-appropriate lady-friends. I?m never trying to sauce it up with some barely legal starlet. Trust me, there were only old whores at this event, and they loved their piece of The Clive. Ha!
Do you like the way I lean, ladies? How about the way I give you my patently little half-smirk? God, I love when your eyes crawl all over me. That?s why I keep showing up for these promotional events. Pretty soon I?ll make you forget all about that Jon Hamm motherf?er. Yes, I?m a petty, jealous bitch when it comes to your affection. Here, let me graze my crotch while you watch.
Do you love it? I see you drooling. Get in line, ladies.
Love, Clive
Photos courtesy of WENN.
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| | Clive Owen is back in Madrid, waiting to feed you tapas | | Added 13 years ago | Source: CeleBitchy |
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FROM THE DESK OF Clive Owen:
Hello, my darlings. I?m in Spain, yet again. This visit is for GQ Spain?s Man of the Year ceremony, held in some fabulous Spanish hotel in Madrid. The cool white sheets on the hotel bed feel so good against my naked skin. Sure, I?ll hold on for you to finish yourself off. We haven?t even gotten to the part about my gorgeous bulge in these pants. Oh, you?re ready again? Sure, I?ll wait. Let me help you out: your tits look gorgeous today. You?re done? That was fast. Lovely. Moving on.
You might be wondering why I seem to only do photo op events in Spain. I don?t really know. Maybe I just love the country. Maybe the event is sponsored by Chivas, and they paid for my second home. Maybe I have a mistress squired away in a Madrid pied--terre. Maybe I?m just waiting for you to join me in this lovely city so I can hand-feed you lovely little tapas before you attempt to take off this fabulous velveteen jacket with your teeth. All are solid possibilities.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy these photos. I?m giving this gorgeous, smug little smile just for you, my love.
Yours,
Clive Owen
Photos courtesy of WENN & Fame.
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| | Clive Owen wants to get the ladies all liquored up | | Added 13 years ago | Source: CeleBitchy |
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An open letter from the desk of Clive Owen:
Hello, ladies. It?s been a while, I know. Wait? what?s that? Can someone please get this woman off of me? She?s humping my leg. There we go, sweetheart. On you go. Yes, I?ll take your panties, thank you. Now, let?s move on, shall we?
So, yes, here I am in? where am I? Madrid. I?m not one of those dudes who show up for the opening of an envelope. I only attach my name to important things, like serious dramas, or a line of sparkly vibrators. Just kidding! Wow, that was an audible gasp! Anyway, this event in beautiful Madrid is for Chivas. If you want to get all liquored up and throw your panties at me, please, I beg you, get drunk of Chivas 12. The bottle was designed by a young male artist? here he is:
Nice, right? I?m sure you?re imagining the two of us kissing right now. You?re imagining my hand grazing his thigh?yes, I know. Anway, you see, I support the arts. Especially when supporting the arts also means chicks are going to get all liquored up. No, I jest. I?m much too good for that. I want you to be sober for what I?m going to do to you. Ha! Got you again, didn?t I?
So I?m at this event, and I?m working my gorgeous little tuft of coal-black chest hair and giving my best ?would you like the handcuffs?? look to the camera, and suddenly, they hand me this beautiful girl named Eugenia Silva.
She?s a Spanish model, and in some of these photos she?s clutching me. Don?t worry, that always happens. Women can?t help it. I could ask to borrow a thousand dollars, and wind up in an orgy of supermodels. Of course I might be shooting Miss Silva my very special ?Are you wearing panties?? look that I reserve for very special women. But that doesn?t mean anything, and you should definitely NOT fly to Spain and hunt her down with an automatic weapon, okay? There?s still plenty of Clive to go around, ladies.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
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| | A Clive Owen Nightcap | | Added 13 years ago | Source: Yeeeah |
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I like to finish off a day of hard work (okay, so maybe I’ve never done a day of hard work) with some husky-voiced, smooth as good scotch-on-the-rocksClive Owen. Oh hey, what a coincidence. Mr. SexyPants here is with Eugenia Silva to present the new limited edition Whiskey Chivas 12 in Madrid. I guess it takes one to know one. Clive Owen is like a good whiskey, while I’m like a good Two-Buck Chuck. Hey, at least we’re in the same category.
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| | Clive Owen brings the hotness to Scotland, and to new Bulgari ads | | Added 13 years ago | Source: CeleBitchy |
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From the desk of Clive Owen:
Hello, bitches. Did you know that I?m in Scotland right now? I was just sitting in my London home, thinking about how Scottish ladies needed a little taste of The Clive Goodness, and so I packed my favorite tuxedo and jetted off. Look at the way I?m standing by this little piano. Doesn?t that make you hot? Look at the smug expression on my face? That?s because I know you?re picturing me naked right now. Aren?t you? You?re imagining your tongue on my chest RIGHT NOW, aren?t you?
I?m used to that. That?s why I do these dorky photo-ops beside pianos. I want to see how far I can take My Sexy. By the way, Prince Charles is around here somewhere. He?s wearing a kilt, for God?s sake. Do you know what would happen if I wore a kilt? Ladies would be dropping like flies. They would be crawling on the floor trying get a look at my biscuits. And that, ladies, is why I don?t wear kilts. Only tuxedos and suits for me, but I do make an effort to look dorky, just to see what I can get away with. As it turns out, I can do pretty much anything and ladies will still throw their panties at me in the street. I could do a duet with Justin Bieber and still get laid by a different woman every day for the next twenty years. But I don?t want that - I?m happily married. I have two daughters as well. I?m very happy. So all of this - the photos, The Sexy, the smug, dirty, awesome little smile playing on my lips, my slightly disheveled hair, looking like I just threw this tux on right after a naughty go-round, without even having the time or inclination to put on a pair of boxers - well, that?s all for you. Because I am a humanitarian.
You?re welcome.
Love, Clive
P.S. Did you want a preview of my sexy Bulgari ads, or are you already nearing a Clive Coma? Because I can wait to show you? no? Okay, here?s a little taste. You might need to get a towel.
Clive Owen on Sept. 5, 2010. Credit: Bauer-Griffin. Bulgari ads courtesy of Clive?s fansite, Clive-Owen.org.
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| | Is Clive Owen sexy enough to make you see a cheesy Lifetime-esque movie? | | Added 13 years ago | Source: CeleBitchy |
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Clive Owen and Catherine Keener are two of my favorite actors. They?re both lovely and talented and they generally do interesting, challenging work. But after seeing this trailer for the film Trust, I?m kind of thinking they should fire their respective agents. This crap? as CB said, it looks like a made-for-TV movie. And not even a good-quality one, it looks like some crap for Lifetime. Guess who directed it? David Schwimmer. For real! As Dustin Rowles at Pajiba said, ?I don?t know what kind of amazing bee-jays this man gives??
God, why did Clive do this f-cking movie? Why don?t Hollywood directors get it? Women will pretty much watch anything with Clive, but they should throw us a bone and give us some Clive full-frontal nudity, y?know? Something where he looks rugged and dirty, and growls lines like ?You need to take off your panties right now? and ?Would you like a backrub, darling??
Back to this turd of a movie. Gawker calls it ?the dramatic equivalent of watching a ?To Catch a Predator? segment on Dateline, but with Clive Owen instead of Chris Hansen.? Pajiba made the interesting point that the Brits seem to love David Schwimmer, and maybe that?s why Clive signed on? But that still doesn?t explain why Catherine Keener did it. Maybe Schwimmer had some sort of blackmail scheme against her. Or maybe she just wanted Clive to touch her. So I?ll forgive Catherine for this one. I mean, just look at him.
Clive on March 22, 2009, October 21, 2009, and February 27, 2010. Credit: WENN.
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| | Clive Owen shaved off that 1970s porno 'stache, looks moist in Milan | | Added 13 years ago | Source: CeleBitchy |
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Last week I threw up (seriously) at these photos of Clive Owen on location in New Zealand, filming The Killer Elite With Jason Statham. He had a 1970s porno ?stache, and it was the worst thing ever. Our once beautiful Clive no longer looked rugged, naughty and moist (?tis how he looks in my mind). However, bippety boppety, one week later and he shaved the f-cker off! HURRAY!!! These photos are of Clive on Tuesday in Milan, looking dashing and handsome and naughty and moist (mmm?) at an event for Bulgari. He?s the face of Bulgari?s new cologne. Of course. Clive would be my choice if I was looking for a Man to be the face of a cologne. By the way, I nicknamed my vagina ?cologne?. Wait, that joke didn?t work? nevermind. Anyway, Clive? While you?re there, can you pick my up some fabulous jewelry? And then bring it to me here, I?ll be waiting. While he was in Milan, he talked to Esquire - about the World Cup, and about smelling like a man. I think I just wet myself, seriously.
At last night’s Bulgari Man fragrance launch here, the courtyard of the Bulgari Hotel transformed into a kind of scientific pathway to arouse the nose, a walking laboratory of cologne combinations. In between drinks ? drinks that in more than one case matched its drinker’s outfit (see photos below) ? we walked through displays to see what actually made a new scent pop like a citrus, and for possibly the first time ever we actually know what “earthy” means. The result was surprisingly light and airy.
We asked our pal Clive Owen, after chatting about England’s World Cup performance so far (not so thrilled) and extremely strong coffee (apparently it’s killer in Melbourne, where he’s been shooting), for his take: “I’m thrilled. I really like it ? for real,” said the face of the Bulgari Men campaign. “It’s fresh and elegant, very tasteful. I have a problem with a lot of men’s fragrances because they are very strong. Somebody somewhere thinks that masculine means powerful smells, and I find them overbearing and not very pleasant.”
So we went to try it on ourselves, and Mr. Owen was telling no lie. The scent lingers, but in a subtle way, mellowing nicely. Which fits with his philosophy on men’s fragrances and style: “I don’t like it when people are trying too hard, that goes for clothes, for acting, for everything. It’s just not good when it seems like you’re making too much of an effort.”
[From Esquire]
Oh, f-ck me, there?s video of the event too!
Jesus, I?m seriously not going to get any sleep tonight, I?m just going to be playing out a sexual fantasy of Clive spanking me while speaking in Italian - over and over and over. Isn?t he speaking in Italian to the Bulgari people? The Italian dude asks him something in Italian and Clive responds in Italian, I think. If you want to get obsessive about it, there?s this video too. The Clive part doesn?t start until about a minute in:
This man. Good lord. One last piece of Clive news - he just recently signed on to play Ernest Hemingway in an HBO movie, Hemingway & Gellhornn. Nicole Kidman will be playing Martha Gellhorn, Hemingway?s third wife. If Clive has to have pretend sex with Nicole?s frozen face, I might cry.
Clive in Milan, Italy on June 22, 2010, for Bulgari. Credit: Bauer-Griffin. Additional pic courtesy of Esquire here.
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| | Clive Owen's new mustache: the worst thing ever' | | Added 13 years ago | Source: CeleBitchy |
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It?s weird how one little line of fuzz is the difference between ?hot sexy rough fantasy with a delicious accent? and ?ew, gross, 1970s budget porn star?. Such is Clive Owen?s fate. To be fair to him, this facial hair monstrosity is for a movie, The Killer Elite, which he is filming in Australia right now. The film also stars Jason Statham (yum) and Robert DeNiro (yum - yeah, I said it). Clive is playing ?he will play the leader of a vigilante group fighting to protect the families of SAS agents?[Ed. Note: ? with a porno mustache].? So Clive isn?t even the lead! Damn it. F-cking character work best supporting mustache bullsh-t.
And that?s about it. There?s no Clive Owen gossip kicking around. No scandals, no affairs, no hidden love children (thus far). He keeps his sh-t tight. The mustache is the only hint of scandal, and it?s only a scandal in my mind just because he?s so pretty and manly, and I hate that I feel nothing for him with pornstache. Would I still hit it? Would I ride that fug pornstache into the sunset? Eh. If the mustache was standing right in front of me, and I could hear It speak, and I could see Its beautiful green-hazel eyes, yes, I probably would ride the ?stache. But I wouldn?t put my mouth on it.
F-ck, maybe I would. Damn it!
Clive Owen in Australia on June 15, 2010. Credit: Fame.
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| | A little Clive Owen in the morning | | Added 14 years ago | Source: CeleBitchy |
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First Gerard Butler in handcuffs, and now a little Clive Owen first thing in the morning. Am I the luckiest gossip blogger ever or what? They are my top two guys, sometimes interchanged, but currently Clive ranks number one. CB and I were chatting about our ?top two? yesterday - her top two are Johnny Depp and Matt Damon. While I can appreciate and respect those picks, I don?t understand how anyone can look at Clive and not see a burning hunk of Pure Man. Sigh?
Anyway, this is Clive at an event for Heineken. The beer company is ?introducing the UEFA Champions League Soccer Trophy to the USA?. And Clive is some kind of big soccer/football dude. So manly. Yes, I have no idea what any of this about. But it?s Clive in a suit, damn it! Let me ogle him. It just occurred to me that Clive has the kind of George Hamilton perma-tan thing going on. Like he?s too good to be pale. I kind of dig it on Clive though. Because he is the sex.
Anyway, in other Clive news, he?s just signed on to costar with Jason Statham in a film called The Killer Elite. According to Screen Rant, it?s ?based on Ranulph Fiennes? novel ?The Feathermen,? and follows ?a group of former British special forces members who are being hunted by assassins. Statham will play a former Navy Seal who is forced out of retirement to save his closest friend.?? Clive and Jason will presumably be playing friends, maybe. Whatever. I hope he wears a suit and carries a gun. Mm?
Clive in Hollywood on March 16, 2010. Credit: FayesVision/WENN.
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